My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
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So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
What the hell happened here.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…