Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
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[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?