[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
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Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.