My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
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Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?