I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
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[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.