[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
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At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship