Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
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I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
translated into Canadian
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.