Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
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Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year