imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
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Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked