Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
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Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it