SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
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2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Just why bro?!
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing