Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
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Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭