I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
You Might Also Like
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis