Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
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My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
An odd boast
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.