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Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
…..pretty much.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”