if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
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Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.