Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.