“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
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Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.