me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
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My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack