Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
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Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Rt to bother an English speaker
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!