My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
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There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Unexpected Judgment
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
respect
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.