Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
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If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
The Struggle
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.