I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
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people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip