My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
You Might Also Like
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Would you wear it?
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
My birthstone is a marshmallow
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂