[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
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when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣