When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
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Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.