We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
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(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE