me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
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Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Who called it baking and not making love
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*