Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
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To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.