I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
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He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
You saw nothing. I am ham.
My first son he is wonderful
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss