righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
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My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago