There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
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If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”