[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
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So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
yea so i messed up lol
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”