A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
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Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.