So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
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[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
i baked you a cake
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?