this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
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When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.