Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
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Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
don’t we all
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”