This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
You Might Also Like
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.