Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
You Might Also Like
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
This is the coolest video you will see today.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Danger is very dangerous
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.