Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
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You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Sticker placement is key.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I’m having an out of money experience.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”