you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
You Might Also Like
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.