Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
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Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
need him
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes