Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
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Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Terribly Tuesday.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.