“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
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When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
My dress code is business-casualty.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.