A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
You Might Also Like
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why