Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
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[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
A friend helps you before you need it
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.