I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
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Egyptians don’t walk like that.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”