[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
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[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me