I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
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*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
barbara was highly relatable
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.