Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
You Might Also Like
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.